amieheidi

A Long Journey Ahead

Remember this post?

It has been almost a year since I donned the tudung for good, alhamdulillah. So much things have happened since then, but with the support system of the sisters who are always around me, alhamdulillah, everything is going fine, insyaAllah.

perjalanan yang jauh (taken by ukhti Zie)

Wearing the hijjab is just one small step in this journey. It is a long and winding road. We have to be tough, we have to be strong, and most of all, we have to be patient, because, not only is the road long and winding, it will be littered with thorns which serves as tests for us.

Ya Allah , please make us strong because our journey has only started, it is a long road ahead of us.

A Reminder for me and you

I found this from a sister’s blog, and airmata terus bercucuran lepas habis membaca the whole thing, so I think it would be nice to share it here as well. Moga ia menjadi renungan untuk kita semua. Jazakillah ukhti…

Suatu pagi aku terbangun dan berpeluang
melihat mentari terbit.

Aaah…kecantikan alam ciptaan Allah memang
tiada tolok bandingnya.
Sedang aku memerhati, aku puji Tuhan atas segala keindahan yang telah Ia sajikan itu.

Aku duduk dan terasa kehadiranNya disisiku.
Dia bertanya kepadaku, “Adakah kamu mencintai Aku?” Aku menjawab , ‘”sudah tentu!
Engkaulah penciptaku,masakan aku tidak mencintaiMu.” Kemudian Dia bertanya lagi, “Jika kamu ditakdirkan cacat anggota, adkah kamu masih mencintaiKu?”

Aku tergamam seketika. Aku lihat tangan, kaki, dan seluruh anggotaku;aku teringat pelbagai kerja yang mustahil aku lakukan tanpa anggotaku ini yang selama ini tidak ku sedari kepentingannya. Kemudian aku jawab, ”tentunya ia amat sukar bagiku , tetapi aku tetap akan mencintaiMu.”

Kemudian Dia bertanya lagi, ”jika kamu ditakdirkan buta, adakah kamu akan menyayangi segala ciptaanKu?”Bagaimana mungkin bagiku mencintai sesuatu yang tak mampu aku lihat?Kemudian aku terfikir…. ramai yang ditakdirkan buta di dunia ini, dan mereka masih mencintai Allah dan segala ciptaanNya. Lantas aku menjawab, ”Amat sukar bagiku membayangkan keadanku yang sedemikian rupa, namun aku akan tetap menyintaiMu ya Allah .”

Dia bertanya lagi, ”jika kamu ditakdirkan pekak, adakah kamu akan tetap mendengar kepada kata-kataKu?”
Bagaiman mungkin aku mendengar jika aku pekak?Kemudian aku tersedar, mendengar itu tidak semestinya menggunakan telinga; tetapi menggunakan hati.
Aku jawab,”walaupun takdir itu amat berat bagiku, namun aku akan tetap menyintaiMu”

Dia menyambung lagi persoalanNya, ”jika kamu ditakdirkan bisu, adakah kamu akan terus memujiKu?”
Aku bertanya lagi, bagaimana aku boleh memuji tanpa suara? Aku terfikir…Allah mahu kita memujiNya dari dalam hati dan jiwa kita; tidak penting bagaimanakah bunyinya.
Kemudian aku menjawab, ”sungguhpun aku tak mampu untuk membunyikan pujian bagiMu, aku tetap akan memujiMu.”

Dan Dia terus bertanya lagi, ”adakah kamu benar-benar menyintaiKu?”
Dengan nada yang tegas dan penuh keberanian, aku jawab dengan yakin, ”ya , benar Tuhanku, aku menyintaiMu kerana Engkaulah satu-satunya Tuhanku dan Tuhan yang sebenar!”

Aku fikir jawapanku tadi sudah cukup bagus untuk menjawab soalanNya tadi, tetapi Dia terus bertanya kpd ku, ”kalau begitu mengapa kamu masih melakukan dosa?”
Aku jawab, kerana aku cuma manusia biasa yang selalu lalai; aku tidak sempurna…dan aku bukan maksum.”

”kalau begitu mengapa ketika kamu senang dan gembira…kamu lupakanKu; kamu lari jauh dari Ku? Dan kenapa ketika kamu susah atau mahukan bantuan…kamu terus ingat padaKu; kamu datang dekat dan merayu kepadaKu.?”

Aku tidak mampu berkata apa-apa. Yang kusedari…titisan panas turun membasahi pipiku.
Dia sambung lagi,”mengapa kamu buat begini…kadang kala sujud menyembahKu; dan kemudian membelakangiKu; tidak pedulikanKu? Mengapa kamu hanya datang mencariKu hanya ketika kamu mengingatiKu?Mengapa kamu meminta dengan penuh tamak dan mementingkan diri sendiri? Mengapa kamu meminta kpdKu sedang kamu tidak setia padaKu?”
Kurasakan titisan panas mengalir deras membasahi pipiku tanpa henti.

Mengapa kamu malu kpd Ku?
Mengapa kamu tidak mahu menyebarkan suruhanKu? Mengapa ketika kamu dizalimi kamu adukan kepada yang lain sedang Aku sedia mendengar segala rintihanmu?
Mengapa kamu sering membuat alasan ketika Aku memberi mu peluang untuk berkhidmat di jalanKu?”

Ku gagahi bibirku untuk mengucapkan patah-patah perkataan bagi menjawab segala soalan yang bertubi-tubi diajukan padaku. Tetapi aku tidak punyai jawapan bagi persoalan2 tadi. Lidahku yang selama ini lancar berkata-kata, kini kelu. Otakku ligat mencari jawapan…atau alasan…namun tiada apa yang kutemui sebagai jawapan.Dia berkata-kata lagi…

”kamu diberikan sebuah kehidupan . Aku jadikan dalam dirimu keistimewaan dan kelebihan berbanding orang lain untuk kamu berjuang di jalanKu, tetapi kamu tetap berpaling dari jalanKu. Aku tunjukkan kamu kata-kataKu sebagai panduan kamu dalam hidup ini, tetapi kamu tidak mahu belajar dan menghayatinya. Acap kali Aku berkata-kata kepadamu tetapi kamu tutup telingamu. Acap kali Aku berikan pelbagai rahmat dan nikmat kpdmu, tetapi kamu berpaling dari melihatnya.

Aku turunkan kpd mu PesuruhKu, tetapi kamu tidak ambil peduli ketika sunnahnya ditinggalkan. Aku dengar segala permintaanmu dan rayuanmu kpdKu…dan semuanya itu telah Aku perkenankan dgn pelbagai cara .”kini… adakah kamu menyintaiKu?”

Aku tidak mampu menjawab lagi. Bagaimana harus ku jawab persolan ini?
Dalam tak sedar , aku malu dgn apa yang telah aku lakukan selama ini.aku tidak lagi punya alasan untuk menyelamatkan diriku. Apa yang boleh ku jawab bagi persolan itu?

Ketika hatiku berteriak menangis , dan bercucuran air mata di kedua belah pipiku, aku merintih, ”Oh Tuhanku, …ampunkan lah segala dosaku,aku tak layak menjadi hambaMu ya Allah …”
”SifatKu pengampun…barangsiapa memohon keampunan dariKu, nescaya Aku ampunkannya. Dan …. Aku ampunkan kamu wahai hambaKu.”

Aku bertanya kpdNya, ”mengapa Engkau masih tetap mengampuni dosaKu sungguhpun aku melakukan kesalahan berulang kali? Sampai begitu sekalikah cintaMu terhadapku?”

Dia menjawab, ”kerana kamu adalah ciptaanKu. Aku sekali-kali tidak akan mengabaikan kamu. Apabila kamu menangis, aku akan bersimpati padamu dan mendengar segala rintihanmu. Apabbila kamu melonjak gembira, Aku turut gembira dgn kegembiraanmu. Apabila kamu berasa gundah dan kesepian, Aku akan memberimu semangat.

Apabila kamu jatuh , Aku akan membangkitkanmu.
Apabila kamu keletihan, Aku akan membantumu. Aku akan tetap bersamamu hinggalah ke hari yang akhir dan Aku akan menyayangi mu selama-lamanya.”

Seingat aku…aku tidak pernah menangis begini, aku sendiri tidak mengerti mengapa hatiku ini begitu keras; tidak mampu menangis menyesali segala dosaku selama ini.

Dan…buat kali pertamanya dalam hidupku ini…aku benar-benar solat dalam erti kata sebenar.

I cried very hard after reading it, as it reminded me of me that existed during ’skirt & flirt’ period, the amount of sin that I did during that period of my life, of me that only realised of the beauty of being a muslimah and be with a jemaah, of me that finally solat for Allah .

”Wahai yang membolak-balikkan hati, tetapkanlah hatiku pada agama-Mu.”

Ahlan Wasahlan Ya Ramadhan

Alhamdulillah, aku, keluarga dan rakan-rakan masih lagi ada rezeki untuk dipertemukan dengan Ramadhan. Bulan yang di wajibkan berpuasa. Bulan yang mengandung seribu rahmat dan seribu keberkatan, bulan yang diturunkan Al-Quran, dan mengandungi malam lailatul Qadar, malam menyamai seribu bulan.

Ahlan Wasahlan Ya Ramadhan.

Let’s all make the most of our Ramadhan, make sure that every solat wajib is done on time, as soon as it is due, do more solat sunat, go to masjid every night for tarawih, if that’s not possible, ask someone, anyone in your home to solat tarawih jemaah with you, take more time to read the Quran, try to finish the whole 30 juz this month, use the time to memorise the Quran, give more charity, and attend more majlis ilmu.

Who knows, if this is our last Ramadhan?

I read this poem over at iluvislam.com, and I was so touched by it, it reminded me, what if this really is my last Ramadhan?

Andai Ini Ramadhanku yang Terakhir

By Ubiquitious from www.iluvislam.com

Wahai insan, renunglah engkau akan nasib diri
Wahai qalbu, sedarkah engkau akan gerak hati
Wahai aqal, terfikirkah engkau akan apa yang bakal terjadi

Andai ini merupakan Ramadhan ku yang terakhir kali
Buatku sekujur jasad yang bakal berlalu pergi
Tatkala usia bernoktah di penghujung kehidupan duniawi
Pabila tiba saat tepat seperti yang dijanji Ilahi
Kematian…adalah sesuatu yang pasti…..

Andai ku tahu ini Ramadhan terakhir
Tentu siangnya aku sibuk berzikir
“a’la bizikrallahi tat mainnal qulub”
[Bukankah dgn berzikir itu hati akan menjadi tenang..]
Biarpun anak tekakku kering kehausan air
Tentu aku tak akan jemu melagukan syair
Rindu mendayu..
Merayu…
Kepada-NYA Tuhanku yang satu…

Andai aku tahu ini Ramadhan terakhir
Tentu solatku dikerjakan di awal waktu
Solat yang dikerjai…
Sungguh khusyuk lagi tawadhu’
Tubuh, minda, dan qalbu…bersatu memperhamba diri
Mengadap Rabbul Jalil…
Menangisi kecurangan janji
“innasolati wanusuki wamahyaya wamamati lillahirabbil ‘alamin”
[sesungguhnya solatku, ibadahku, hidupku, dan matiku...kuserahkan hanya kepada Allah Tuhan seru sekelian alam]

Andai aku tahu ini Ramadhan terakhir
Tidak akan aku persiakan walau sesaat yang berlalu
Setiap masa tak akan dipersia begitu saja
Di setiap kesempatan juga masa yang terluang
Alunan Al-Quran bakal ku dendang…bakal ku syairkan

Andai ku tahu ini Ramadhan terakhir
Tentu malammu aku sibukkan dengan
Berterawih…
Berqiamullail…
Bertahajjud…
Mengadu…
Merintih…
Meminta belas kasih….
“sesungguhnya aku tidak layak untuk ke syurga-MUtapi…aku juga tidak sanggup untuk ke neraka-MU”

Oleh itu duhai Ilahi…
Kasihanilah daku hamba-MU yang…
Hina..
Dhaif..
Jahil..
Lagi Banyak Dosa ini..
Menikmati bulan yg dirindui oleh nabi dan sahabatNya..
Moga setiap langkah ku zuhud kepada MU..
Moga ku istiqamah di ramadhan ini..

ANDAI AKU TAHU INI RAMADHAN TERAKHIR………

Wahai pembaca-pembacaku yang juga tetamu Ramadhan,

Untukmu rahmat dan pengampunan,

moga Ramadhan saudaraku kali ini dihiasi dengan airmata penyesalan dan taubat,

dendangan suara dengan tilawah,

dikesepian malam untuk tahajud yang berterusan.

Teruslah mengharap pengampunan dan hidayahNya.

Doa saya, moga mewarisi jannah. Amin.

Selamat menunaikan ibadah puasa, dan maaf zahir dan batin.

Antara Tawa Dan Nangis…

Ever realise that, after a bout of happy moments, you will cry? After a period of crying, you will have happy moments?

During the skirt & flirt period of my life, I noticed that I will have happy moments with a crowd, but, when I cry, I cry alone.

Now, at this stage of my life, where hijjab and nawaitu lillah is the basic thing in my life, I still have happy moments with a crowd of people (a different crowd from the skirt & flirt period), but at the same time, when I feel like I want to break and cry, I will cry with a crowd as well, and there is a crowd who is there to support me when I cry.

Received a rather shocking revelation from sorang member that ada member is leaving for good. I feel very very sad, not only because she’s the first person outside the others that I had circle with, that I felt the ukhuwah with (met her only once dulu, and then, lepas tak jumpa dekat sebulan, dia kata dia rindu betul kat saya, sedangkan masa kita jumpa mula2 tu, kita cuma sempat taaruf dengan nama je). Rasanya macam saya masih perlukan dia, rasanya umat sini masih perlukan dia. Tapi, rasanya mungkin sana lebih perlukan dia dari sini perlukan dia. Tambah2 lagi dengan berita tentang konsert punk rock yang dilangsungkan malam ini kat sana, sedang sepatutnya kita sekarang mengalu-alukan kedatangan bulan Ramadhan.

Tabah, Amy. You can still contact and borak with your akak kat YM, apalah sangat sempadan dan laut tu di dunia yang dah takde sempadan masa ni. Amy kena redha dengan pemergian your akak. Kan Amy kata nawaitu lillah is a part of your life now? If Allah suruh your akak pergi, your akak mesti pergi jugak. If Allah suruh stop kerja untuk Dia kat sini dan sambung kerja untuk Dia kat sana, your akak mesti stop kerja untuk Dia kat sini dan sambung kerja untuk Dia kat sana. Amy ingat kan, ayat 2:216, boleh jadi kamu tak suka sesuatu, sedangkan ianya baik untuk kamu, dan boleh jadi kamu suka sesuatu sedangkan ia buruk untuk kamu, Allah tahu, sedangkan kamu tak tahu.

Happy tadi sebab dapat beranikan diri untuk ajak orang yang baru nak pasang telekung utk solat jemaah sama2 dengan members yang buat solat jamak maghrib, and sementara tunggu member habis solat jamak qasar isya, beranikan diri tarik telekung another stranger untuk tutup kaki dia yang exposed semasa sujud dengan duduk antara dua sujud. Balik rumah plak, baca tentang pemergian akak, terus call and mintak pengesahan, sebab tak tahu yang mana satu nak pegi, terus nangis je lepas dah tahu sapa yang nak pegi.

Tapi ni balance kan? Mungkin beberapa hari yang lepas ni, aku tak sedar yang aku banyak tertawa dan tak banyak menangis, dan Allah nak sedarkan aku dengan tangisan. Selepas tangisan, insyaAllah akan dihiburkan dengan happy moments lagi. Sedar tak? Lepas hujan gemuruh dengan kilat sabung menyabung, lepas hujan reda, pelangi akan keluar?

Do any of you realise this? After a bout of heavy rain, lightning and thunder during the day, there will be rainbows and after a heavy downpour at night, the next day will be as sunny as it can get, insyaAllah. You are afraid of the lightning and thunder but you like the pretty rainbow, and you like the comfort and easiness of driving/walking/travelling/commuting during the sunny weather. And then, kalau dah rasa terlalu panas, hujan akan turun untuk sejukkan balik kita ni. Ni sama macam tangisan and ujian, lepas nangis, ada happy moment dan lepas pass ujian, insyaAllah iman kita akan bertambah. At the same time, bila terlalu banyak happy moments, akan diberi tangisan untuk ingat balik, dan bila iman bertambah, ada ujian baru lagi untuk menaikkan lagi iman tu sesudah pass lagi, insyaAllah.

Kadang2 kita x terfikir pun / Sometimes we don’t even think about it

Forwaded email from ukhti Dizah, jazakillah.

RENUNGAN:

1) Dari bujang-kahwin No 1 —- no.2 —– DLL.

2) Dari pakai moto kap — kancil-wira — Honda —- seterusnye..

3) Badminton —– Golf —-

4) Rumah sewa—- rumah murah —rumah teres — banglow…

5) Technician —-supervisor —– engineer — manager…

6) Tv 14′ — 21′ — 29′ —- Home theather…

7) Sg Danga — Tanjung Leman — Langkawi —- Hadnyai — Bangkok ..

Dalam semua segi kita mau kanperubahan kearah yang lebih baik dan
glamour….

9) mancing kat parit /longkang —- sungai — kolam (bayar punye)—-
laut dalam (sewa bot mewah)…… Kalong

TETAPI…

KITA JUGA LUPA….
SEMAKIN BANYAK KITA KECAPI KEJAYAAN, SEMAKIN HAMPIRLAH SAAT KEMATIAN
KITA….

DITAKUTI SEMAKIN BERJAYA, KITA SEMAKIN LUPA, SEMUA YANG KITA DAPAT
ADALAH
PEMBERIAN TUHAN…’ON LOAN’…

SETIAP KALI KITA BUAT ACTION PLAN ATAU BUAT REVISION, BERAPA BANYAKKAH
KITA MASUKKAN ITEM-ITEM YANG MEMBAWA KEARAH ‘PERSEDIAN UNTUK MATI’

Umpamanya:

1) tak sembahyang —- pastikan sembahyang– -jadikan amalan…..

2) banyak maksiat —– kurangkan —– hapuskan…

3) Bangi —- madinah —- mekah—

4) sedekah RM1.00 —- RM10.00 — RM100.00/

5) sembahyang dirumah — sembahyang di surau/mesjid. …

6) 5 jam sehari menonton TV —– 3 jam TV & 2 jam majlis ILMU….

7) 3 jam baca suratkabar/majallah /internet —– 2 jam majallah/surat
khabar/internet & 1 jam membaca AL QURAN /selawat , zikir.

Apa apa aktiviti yang hasilnya adalah untuk AKHIRAT.

Tetapi apa yang banyak berlaku pada ZAMAN AKHIR ini ialah PERSONAL
improvement banyak kepada kearah KEDUNIAAN SEMATA. Perkara berkaitan
AKHIRAT slowly di ketepikan…. .

Contohnya:

Kalau dulu rajin dan tak tinggal 5 waktu, tetapi beransur-ansur. …….

Kalau dulu tak kenal DANGDUT/KARAOKE. .. bila tuhan beri kenaikan pangkat &

gaji lebih benda seperti ni dah jadi biasa… Macam macam lagi yang kita
pun sedia maklum dan tahu… malah berlaku dikalangan ahli keluarga kita,
jiran, rakan-rakan, DLL. Jadi samalah kita membuat BALANCE ACTION PLAN,
BALANCE OBJECTIVE & TARGET dan BALANCE IMPROVEMENT.

Tuhan beri semua makhluk didunia ini 24 jam sehari, tiadalah seorang pun
yang mendapat kurang atau lebih barang sesaat pun… Tuhan juga memberi
kita peluang untuk menggunakan masa yang ada untuk di manafaatkan. ..

dengan sebaik mungkin.. Tuhan hanya mahu kita beramal selama lebih
kurang 40~~50 tahun demi untuk mendapat balasan Syurga untuk selamanya…

infiniti…

Semuga tuhan terus memberi kita petunjuk dan hidayah untuk kita berjaya
di dunia dan akhirat.
1. Roh para Nabi dan utusan menuju ke Syurga Adnin.

2. Roh para ulama menuju ke Syurga Firdaus ..

3. Roh mereka yang berbahagia menuju ke Syurga Illiyyina.

4. Roh para shuhada berterbangan seperti burung disyurga mengikut
kehendak mereka.

5. Roh para mukmin yang berdosa akan tergantung diudara tidak di bumi
dan tidak di langit sampai hari kiamat.

6. Roh anak-anak orang yang beriman akan berada di gunung dari minyak
misik.

7. Roh orang-orang kafir akan berada dalam neraka Sijjin, mereka
diseksa berserta jasadnya hingga sampai hari Kiamat.’

Telah bersabda Rasullullah S.A.W:

‘Tiga kelompok manusia yang akan dijabat tangannya oleh para malaikat
pada hari mereka keluar dari kuburnya:-

1. Orang-orang yang mati syahid.

2.. Orang-orang yang mengerjakan solat malam dalam bulan ramadhan.

3.Orang berpuasa di hari Arafah.’

Sekian untuk ingatan kita bersama.

Wassallam.

~~English version~~

Something to ponder about:

1) From single - first marriage —- second marriage —- and so on.

2) From motorcyle —– Toyota —– Mercedes Benz —– and so on.

3) Badminton —- Golf —–

4) Rented a house —- cheap own house —- terraced house —– detached house

5) Technician —- supervisor —- engineer —- manager

6) 14′ TV — 21′ — 29′ —- Home theatre…

7) Miri —- KL—- Singapore —– London

In all areas, we want to move on to better things in life

9) Fishing in drains —– rivers —- paid pools —- fishing at the sea using an expensive boat

But

We keep on forgetting….
As we receive successes and more successes, death is waiting in the wings….

It is feared, the more we receive successes, the more we forget, all that we have now are given by Allah …. ‘on loan’….

Whenever we make action plans or revision, how many times did we add things that bring us towards getting ready for death?

For example:

1) Never solat —– make sure solat —- make solat a part of your everyday life…

2) Commit too much sins —- reduce committing sins —- stop committing sings…

3) Bangi —- Madinah —- Makkah….

4) Give charity $1.00 —- $10.00 —– $100.00

5) Solat at home (on one’s own) —– solat at home (jemaah) —- solat at surau/masjid (jemaah)…

6) 5 hours of TV per day —– 3 hours TV & 2 hours majlis ILMU —– 2 hours TV & 3 hurs majlis ilmu

7) 3 hours reading newspaper/magazines/internet —- 2 hours magazines/newspapers/internet & 1 hour reading Quran / selawat & dzikir

Every activity we do is for AKHIRAT

However, almost everything that happens during the LAST DAYS is PERSONAL improvements that is for dunya, not Akhirat. For example:

Previously solat 5 times a day, as time goes on…

Previously never step foot in night clubs / karaoke…. when Allah gives successes & more money, night clubs / karaoke is THE place to hang out…

There is a lot more of such occurrences that we all know happens… in fact may happen among our families, neighbours, friends and others. So, together we must make BALANCE ACTION PLAN,
BALANCE OBJECTIVE & TARGET and BALANCE IMPROVEMENT.

Allah gives all His servants with 24 hours a day, no one gets more, no one gets less, not even for a second… Allah also gives us the time that we have to be used wisely…

Allah wants us to pray to Him for about 40~~50 years (give or take) to get Jannah forever… infinitely…

May Allah gives us the guidance and hidayah for us to be succesful in this life and the hereafter.

Wassallam.

Curahan Hati

Ya Rabb,

Aku merasakan yang diri ini berada di tempat yang sempit.

Ya Rabb,

Aku merasakan yang diri ini dihimpit-himpit.

Ya Rabb,

Ujian yang Kau berikan ini, diri ini rasakan amat susah. Tetapi hamba-Mu ini teringat ayat-Mu, “La Yukallifullah hunafsan illa us-aha” (Al-Baqarah: 286), Allah tidak akan membebani seseorang melainkan sesuai dengan kesanggupannya.

Ya Rabb,

Ayat itu mengingatkan hamba-Mu yang ujian ini memang aku sanggup hadapi, oleh itulah Kau berinya pada ku. Ini adalah ‘Special Request’ dari-Mu.

Ya Rabb,

Tolonglah hamba-Mu ini dalam menghadapi ujian ini. Sesungguhnya Engkaulah penolongku, dan tiada daya upaya selain dari pertolongan dari-Mu.

Farewell Note for Dr. Marcus

Yesterday, three chemists (Hilmi, Ronnel, Chak and Puteri) and one biologist (me) went to a farewell dinner at our former lecturer, Dr. Marcus Karolewski’s home in Sg. Tilong, before his whole family leave Brunei for good this September.

It was a simple affair, with appetizers, pizza and a very sweet dessert that I don’t remember its name, conversation, viewing the Olympics through Marcus’s Astro, and (for myself) observing the antics of Marcus’s and Hwee Cheng’s two very cute daughters, Natasha and Nadja, as I like kids, and I have always like observing their behaviour.

Gave Marcus and family two books on Brunei as farewell gift. Even though it is for the whole family, it was more for Natasha and Nadja, considering that due to their young age when they leave, they may not remember growing up in Brunei, aside from what is relayed to them, and photographs. Natasha may remember bits, but not 8 month old Nadja.

Us with Marcus

Words from a former ‘victim’:

You may not see me grow as a student all that much aside from what I relayed to you and with only 2 units of Physical Chemistry and 4 units of first year general physical chemistry, but you have seen me grow as a blogger, from the days of my blog being an outlet for ranting and my life mostly, to the blogger that I am now, even though I am still way behind the ‘real’ problogger, and you have also seen me grow as a muslim, from the days when the tudung/hijab is a culture to the hijjabi I am now.

Though at times, I initially fought with what you asked me to do, like the practical notebook incident in the first year, where you made me stop what I was doing and leave the lab to get at least an A4 sized notebook as my practical notebook at the university bookshop, I eventually relented and realized that big practical notebooks are the ones to use in the lab, and then three years after that, when doing my project, I bought an A4 sized notebook for my project, and then, despite the fight, I eventually earned my first B in physical chemistry through you, which showed just how much you don’t carry a personal grudge against a student who fought your orders, despite the hearsay saying otherwise.

I will always remember the day when you mentioned a previous entry in a now deleted previous blog, in front of everyone in tutorial. It was a day to remember, :), for a moment just after the incident, I was mortified, as it is the first time an academic staff reveals to me that they read my blog (where previously they sneak in by googling their name and ubd), but on the other hand, the incident showed me that there are academic staffs who care enough about their students to read about their students’ life outside the four lecture/tutorial walls and outside the campus. I wish there are more lecturers/teachers who are like that.

Thank you for the help, criticism, words of advice, and motivation for the past three - four years. Thank you for helping me with my thesis, not just criticizing the content (and my use of English) but also the time you took to help me locate the research papers. Thank you for being there as my personal tutor (even though I’ve never formally been assigned to you). Though it is not much with the amount of papers where your name is printed, your name is also printed in my unpublished biology thesis under the acknowledgments section. There will be many lecturers, but there will only be one Dr. Marcus Karolewski as with you leaving, it is a loss to UBD. Despite everything that has happened, it is a pleasure to have you as a tutor, as a lecturer and as a friend.

I wish your family happiness, health, wealth and success in the Land Down Under. In every beginning, there will always be an end, there will always be a last page in every book, the same goes with every meeting, there will be a time when we have to part, but you will always be missed by me and the rest of our cohort.

Entering the third week of the semester

To any readers, sorry for not updating for nearly a week or so.

With all the hustle and bustle of a new semester, practical reports to write up (so far, I got one to do, and one done, one due today and the other due next Tuesday), am trying hard to not fall under the trap of last minute report writing and handing in late, or worse, not handing in at all.

With just two biology core courses to do (and one elective), it means I have 4 or 8 hour practicals per week, meaning that I have one or two practical reports due in a week, and 9 hour lectures per week, I should be able to have my reports finish and hand in on time, am trying hard to fight the procrastination, which tend to kick in most of the time, considering how it is a bad habit that is very hard to break.

Mesti rajin baca doa pagi dan petang, whereby one of them is: Ya Allah , aku berlindung kepadaMu dari rasa susah dan sedih, aku berlindung kepadaMu dari rasa lemah dan malas, aku berlindung kepadaMu dari sifat pengecut dan kikir dan aku berlindung kepadaMu dari lilitan hutang dan tekanan orang lain.

Remember, you study because of Allah . Nawaitu lillah, not nawaitu *insert something here*. Despite the terrible 28 practicals scheduled, there is only a few practical reports (huge few, though) to write for one course, and 14 practical reports (not sure the type of reports though, the first one I finished on the day itself, only need to type up and ‘beautify’ with proper well-thought out sentences and proper referencing, now finished and ready to be handed in later), but when worse comes to worse, remember: La Yukallifullahu nafsan illa us-aha (Allah does not burden you more than what you are able to bear (Al-Baqarah: 286), so whatever my duties that Allah asked me to do, it is something that I can do, insyaAllah.

Alhamdulillah for the guidance, ya Allah

Everything we do, everything that happens, is for the will of Allah .

Just an example, yesterday, After doing what I was set to do in ubd, I wanted to go home, only to find my car being blocked by one of our technicians.

I then set out to walk to the masjid, considering how close the masjid is from the science faculty (aren’t we blessed, FoS people? The masjid is just a few minutes walk from our classes), sit there, read a book and wait for Asar prayers. Guess who I bumped into at the masjid?

MY BELOVED SISTERS!!!! Almost of all them turned up at the masjid for Asar! Not just the ones in ubd and itb, but also uk sisters who came home for the holidays. Usually, during Asar, the women section of the masjid tend to be empty, except for a few people, so one can imagine how happy I was to actually meet all the sisters with the will of Allah , we formed a row at the womens’ section. I also bumped into my cousin whom I’ve not seen for quite a few months.

And my exam. I have never said this here, but I had to take the supplementary exam for developmental biology. It was one of the toughest subjects that I’ve ever taken, and I didn’t know why, but it was torture for me to actually open the notes and revise. To make myself revise, I said to myself, you study because of Allah , not because of anything else, like it, hate it, Allah has asked you to do an exam for that subject again, after all, didn’t He say in the Al-Baqarah, ayat 216: while you may hate something, but it is good for you, you may like something, but it is bad for you. Allah Knows, and you don’t know.

I revised, and before the exam, I did solat sunat doha. I have never done solat sunat doha before, although I knew of its benefits. During the exam, I managed to answer the questions, alhamdulillah, even though half of the topics on the paper was not what I revised, so I said to myself, hasbunallah wanikmal wakil, just leave everything to Allah , He is whom we should ask for help. Last Wednesday, before classes, tergerak hati to do solat sunat doha again, after weeks of not doing it, and then before meeting up with the sisters for lunch, I saw the lists of candidates who have passed their supplementary exam, lo and behold, my registration number is there! I can’t describe how happy I was, I immediately rushed to the surau, opened my shoes upon entering, dropped my bags and went straight to sujud syukur. I was crying, but I was crying the tears of happiness.

Some may wonder why I said I have classes, when I should be graduating. I have decided to take an extra year to complete a core course that I have yet to take. Please do not judge or make speculations why I have to add another year. Allah has asked me to add another year, it is a test from Allah that I am enduring at the moment. I was actually annoyed at first, but again, there must be some good in it, after all, studying is for Allah and didn’t Allah say in Al-Baqarah: 216, you may hate something, but it is good for you, and you may like something, but it is bad for you. Allah knows while you don’t know. And it is very true. While some people may be at a doubt on whether to work or do masters, they have to think really carefully on what course to take for masters, and they only have a few months to think carefully before choosing. I am given the opportunity to think (and do istikharah) whether to work or do masters for one year, and if I want to do masters, I have a year to think (and do istikharah) whether I want to continue to do a masters in biology (whereby then I will have to think whether to take a field oriented biology or lab oriented biology) or do a masters in other disciplines.

Not only that, I can now take Arabic language classes as an elective in ubd, for free, while if I were to take the language class after I am no longer a ubd student, I had to fork out $200 for one semester. Not having to fork out $200 is rezeki.

And best of all, I am surrounded by ubd sisters that has not graduated yet, and sisters who recently entered ubd as first year students. Happy. Happy. Happy. :D, after all, isn’t pertemuan also satu rezeki?

Art

The other day, a sister and I went to see my cousin’s art exhibition at PTE Berakas. Being an individual who can’t even draw a straight line without using a ruler, I always admire the talents of artistic people. My cousin, Adibah, is one of these artistic people. These are some of the displayed pieces that I find interesting, note that most of these are abstracts, while some are islamic-oriented arts. I’m no art connoisseur, but there are pieces that I simply like, because they appeal to me in one way or another.

Ar-rahman, drawn in green. Ar-Rahman is one of Allah ’s beautiful names, meaning the most gracious, yang Maha Pengasih. I especially admire the artworks of islamic arts, as Arabic/jawi script is not easy to write. My jawi writing is terrible, and for people to actually write them beautifully (or draw them beautifully), is a feat, because it really is not easy.

An even longer version of islamic art. Both the sister and I was quite impressed with this one. Just look at the detail and the beautiful jawi. The original artwork is actually larger than this.

The most expensive piece according to my cousin as of Monday, it was sold for $480. Not surprising, considering how beautiful and moving the piece is. It looks so calm.

The next one is based on the circle of life, the blue and green representing calmness, while the red and yellow representing chaos, the artist explained it in the caption in yellow, but I guess it’s too small to read here, and it is true, sometimes we are up, and sometimes we are down. It is the same with our iman, sometimes our iman is sky high, and sometimes, it’s low.

As I said earlier, I quite like abstract. I may not understand them, but I like them. Like this one below, for example. I don’t understand the message that the artist is trying to convey, but I quite like those bubbles in the background. It is not suprising that its already sold, for $80 at that Monday.

These two abstract pieces have pretty colours. I would have bought one of them if I’m not broke. I wanted to ask the artist for a digital copy actually, but I decided against it. I rather liked the both of them, and again, I don’t understand the meaning behind it, but they appeal to me, I guess.

I can’t seem to tear my eyes away from this piece. I really, really liked it, and if I were to have money that day, this would be the piece that I would walk away with that day. I find there’s something missing though. Then it occurred to me that the piece would be complete if Bismillah is drawn at the blue border.

And finally, the piece that piqued the interest of both the sister and I. This piece is interesting in such a way that it was reflected in myself and also the sister. Among all the captions where the artists explained the meaning of each pieces, this was the one I remembered most. It tells the tale of a boy who was a rebel wanting to repent, with the masjid at the background. In the end, he did repent, but is he too late? The masjid is gone. That is the artist’s explanation for the piece.

The boy’s piece explains that we can repent anytime we want, as long as we repented before we are on the verge of dying (with the masjid gone, it shows that the boy is no longer among the living), and when it showed the masjid being intact when the boy is still a rebel showed that the doors to taubat is open all the time.